Mari Madrid Instagram – Keone, Keone, you’re 34. Can you believe it? 33 no more. Now it’s your Shaq year baby! Legendary Laker, 7’1”, Maybe if you keep drinking your protein… I think you’ll get there hon. Nah, sorry kid. The NBA wasn’t meant for you, you’ve got other fish to fry, they simply don’t have a clue. But really if I had a choice, Between Kevin Durant and you, I’d keep you on my team any day, …Because let’s be honest… we’re 14 years into our relationship and I still don’t know that much about basketball – it’s true. I will choose you every time, You’re my favorite Pokémon, You’re so tentacool and not tentacruel, A ninetail with the beauty and the brawn. To say I am proud, Or to say that I’m in love, Wouldn’t do you justice, Because you’re a gift from above. Watching you grow over the years, Is one of my favorite things, From crush to boyfriend, finance, husband, co-parent? Unending joy it brings. But really my favorite is just being friends, You still make laugh with your jokes, You still crack me up with your weird scream mask face, And talk to me in Anchorman quotes. You’re the Mindflayer to my Vecna. Or the Vecna to my Mindflayer? Either way Numah’s our little Demogorgan, Let’s just raise her to be a cosplayer. She’s probably too cool for that. Let’s just raise her to be 11 y’all, We can trap her in a creepy government facility and do tests on her, That won’t backfire at all! But you really are my favorite, Driven like Nancy Wheeler – that debonair, As badass and honest as Max, And as beautifully unkempt as Steve Harrington’s hair. You make me happy like Dustin and Suzie, singing the theme song to Never Ending Story, You complete me both here AND in the Upside Down, Our lives are never boring. (And when they are it’s perfect.) *A moment of silence for Barb.* All of these pop-culture references to say, You’re simply the best, Do you hear Tina Turner in your head now? Better than all the rest. (You also know how to install a faucet. Super hot.) I love you. Happy Birthday.