Amanda-Faye Jimenez Instagram – This is me with my Uncle Adrian (Nino), Grandma, grandpa (Poppo) at the Apple Farm in San Luis Obispo in the early 90s. This trip was a happy, complicated family tradition. Complicated for me because I loved it, but there was part of me that felt out of place all the time, everywhere. I didn’t know what depression was or what it meant to feel this way so young, so it was confusing to be with people I loved so much and who I was sure loved me yet be so sad and lonely a lot of the time.
I didn’t often feel like I truly belonged to anyone or anything until much later, when I started building familial friendships, particularly queer ones.
But I am part of my family of origin, and they are part of me. My Nino (who was also my godfather) passed away suddenly a month ago. The day this happened, my whole immediate family and more were at my aunt’s house for two days, nearly around the clock. When I left to run some errands, I found myself rushing back and paused for a moment, because there wasn’t really a rush. Plenty of people were there to be with my aunt. But, I realized, I longed for them. I longed to be near them, I still do after all this time and all the necessary, often exhilarating, and just as often heartbreaking change that comes with growing up. This is because of who they are as individuals but also because of the family they built together, the home there.
My Nino was always joking around, but he was sweet and sentimental too. I will miss him as I miss my Poppo being silly and giving us little gifts we maybe didn’t deserve, and my grandma playing straight man to all these antics because, after all, someone had to, but she always gave the warmest hugs.
Feels crazy to think no one in this photo is here anymore except me, but I have plans to see my family tonight and I am excited for that, so I guess in that way, in the longing and the comfort, they actually are. | Posted on 07/Dec/2022 03:56:04
