Amrutha Srinivasan Instagram – Why did I feel like I showed up to an exam I didn’t know I had? Going to Kerala with Siva will be a thing. And hopefully it’s a thing forever. I went to Munnar last year with Siva and two other friends. This time we didn’t prepare to shoot but she obviously asked me to just bring something white to wear in the hopes that as usual, we would find a creek, some earth and water and big dark green leaves all around us. I had forbidden her from bringing her camera because we weren’t gonna be “working” on that trip. But this girl doesn’t quit so she shot me on her iPhone. All the way through to the head of this creek, I hear the water getting louder and louder.. she doesn’t sound harsh, but she doesn’t sound forgiving either. She sounds like a source of calm. Strong, kind, assertive and here to stay – Just like Siva. I hear Siva over the water loudly muttering to herself so I’ll hear her too – “ayyo camera kondu vandhurkanum.. sonnaa ava (me) thittuvaa.. “.. The sun is beginning to set on this overcast day and it’s causing not these golden hour patterns between the leaves but it’s causing the water to reflect the available light differently. Wherever I sit, my face looks different than the last place. She squats over a mossy rock after asking me to sit on another – both of us worried for each other’s safety and our two other friends patiently indulging in this .. indulgence of ours. No words were spoken other than imperative instructions for minor adjustments in my positions. Siva is right – I am ALWAYS aware. My 24 pairs of eyes all around my head make me subconsciously aware of when the shutter closes. When someone’s phone is pointed at me (or in my general direction); when someone thinks that I’m existing in my element and thinks I look nice – I have most probably orchestrated it. My need to have control has always interfered in how vulnerable I can be. I have always WANTED to forget that the camera existed just to see how I’ll look if I.. “let loose”. It happens very rarely . I cannot insinuate on the word “rare” enough. CONTD IN COMMENTS