Lena Dunham Instagram – A few days ago, in that glowy quiet after Christmas, I was in line at the pharmacy behind a woman asking question after question about the available nicotine replacement options. Finally she turned to me, holding both the patches and lozenges she had bought, smiled sheepishly and said “you’ve gotta try, right?” That does seem to be the spirit of this holiday, waking up not only to a new year but a new you, transformed from the inside out. You’ve gotta try, right? But I’ve been dogged by a feeling, as real as any of the parts of myself I “should” be remodeling: I’m so fucking sick of trying. I’m not sick of doing, or being, or any other action verbs. But I’m sick of *trying*- the word that evokes a hamster wheel, running and running only to find yourself still here, still stuck or in pain or in fear. Still just trying. Trying to be sunny but not cloying, healthy but not obsessive, honest but not offensive, trusting but not gullible. I’ve tried to be tidy but still express myself, powerful but non-threatening, loyal but not a lap-dog, enlightened without sounding like a self-help book. And every time I’ve failed, I’ve said: “I’m trying.” Trying to squeeze through the narrow corridor of good habits and successful resolutions. But if at once you don’t succeed, what if you didn’t have to try but could just *be* again? It’s not giving up- it’s giving in to who you are and what your actual gifts are, your true powers, letting go of the compare and contrast. Maybe that starts with the language we use to describe our efforts. So, new year same me: hello, I’m Lena. I live to write, I have an uncanny knack for names I don’t need to remember, there are eight different shades of green paint in my house and I’ve listened to Prince and wept at least once a month in 2022. I tried to allocate my time thoughtfully, greet the day with enthusiasm and not get snippy with my mother. I tried to sleep before midnight and clear my mind by walking. By the metric of trying, I failed. But if I’m just being, then it’s a dance. It’s back and forth, in and out, possible and impossible. And it’s all part of it. Yes, 2023, you can have this dance.