Todrick Hall Instagram – This video is always hard for me to watch. Getting that golden ticket was such a bittersweet moment. I was happy because against the advice of the producers of Idol I sang an original song (which was unheard of at the time) and my creativity got me through! I remember the first time this aired and I heard someone say, I’m your fan for the first time…it was such a weird feeling to go from being an unrecognizable muggle to someone that someone idolized in an instant. But, when I watch my response and my behavior in speaking to them I can just see an uncomfortable young black boy who already came out of the closet, only to feel the pressure to pretend that I hadn’t. The way I was moving and speaking was just so not who I am or even was at the time. I did this audition with my best friend Scott Hoying just a few people behind me, crazy. When I did this audition I was IN LOVE with my first true love, Gareth (the same guy I wrote “Color” about). He wanted to go to the audition with me so badly, but I was terrified that if he went I’d be outted and it would ruin my chances at success. He gave me a white rosary that he wanted me to wear when I auditioned so his energy could be in the room with me. I then had my friend Julia be there with my mom, just so to hopefully deflect from the idea that I could possibly be gay. It’s just so weird to me now. I’m happy that I did Idol, and happy that it went the way that it did. When I got eliminated from that show, I was devastated…not because of the loss, but because I went out being someone I’m not. I vowed to myself in the car on the way home that I would never deny my true self an opportunity. I’d rather go down in flames as my real self, that go up in lights as someone I’m not. Los Angeles, California