Jezebel Express Instagram – Tonight is the Pink Moon— here’s a pink moon. 🔮😉
Thinking about what I’d like to honor & release this full moon, I came across this photo today. I took it on my birthday in 2021, which I spent alone in a strange city. My bus (where I lived) had broken down halfway between NY & Georgia, where I was headed for winter. I’d decided to make lemonade by getting a cute hotel room to do a self portrait shoot.
I got a few good shots in & then the phone rang. It was the mechanic, telling me the engine wasn’t fixable. The bus needed a new engine. He reckoned that’d run me about $14,000. This was a problem, as I’d spent my last two grand buying the bus.
I sat on the floor, staring at my phone, & then I burst into tears. I didn’t feel like shooting anymore, & my makeup was trashed anyway but I did take this one last shot. I wanted to remember how that exact moment felt.
I spent an agonizing several days trying to decide what to do. I was encouraged by friends & family to give up the bus & move back to New York. I understand why: I was out of my depth, I was scared & exhausted. Still: I thought I heard a little voice inside me whispering “keep going.” But what did I know? What if the voice was wrong?
Looking back, I realize how far removed I was from my instincts & my own self possession. I thought everyone else’s opinion was more important than mine, that they somehow had the key to knowledge I couldn’t unlock within myself. I did eventually decide to replace the engine (at a much lower price) but I was painfully confused and conflicted about my choice.
Looking back, I realize how far I’ve come. Living on the road requires you to be so close to your instincts — who is trustworthy, which places are safe.
I am so close to the voice that tells me what is right for me now. I’m grateful that some part of me knew that this path was right for me. I’m glad I could hear her whisper.
Tonight, I want to honor her person I was when I took this photo. She was so willing to consider, to listen. She was exactly who I needed to be at the time. But I’m ready to let her self-doubt go.
These days, I can hear myself so much more clearly. I just have to remember to listen. 🌙 | Posted on 24/Apr/2024 07:22:29
