Rain Dove Dubilewski Instagram – I waited a year & a half to post these- and I almost just deleted them. Here’s why ⬇️ (*note following story contains some distressing themes- but it has a happy ending. Reader discretion advised. *)
These images were taken over a year and a half ago when I had hit my bottom of bottoms spiritually and physically. I was drinking a lot, dealing with the turmoil of a tumultuous personal life, feeling inadequate to be enough to stop the gasping mountain of suffering people shared into my inbox that I desperately wanted to heal, I was broke, felt my career was over, and felt that the future held no art, I had cancer, wasn’t in the best physical health or mental health, and felt that I was just not able to be the being everyone and myself needed to the extent that was requested.
I found myself crashing in a space in NYC during this pivotal time with @mrddayland . He was tapping back into his photography and one night we just had a super safe space and after not being in front of the camera for about a while, I found it surprisingly ok to just sit and shoot with this human. These are the images taken. Looking at them at the time I felt they had something special in them- but I also felt really ashamed because I could see the depression. The lines from stress and self neglect etched into my skin. The sunken gaze beneath the chainmail. The downturned lips usually a grin. A clear capture of the state I was in.
3 months later I would go on the journey I’ve shared here with yall that I decided to ethically end my life. It had come to that moment. That culmination.
It’s only by a literal miracle of a natural phenomenon happening that I chose to live. A caterpillar attached itself to my shirt & turned into a moth. One of the most incredible things to ever happen to me. After a year and a half of VERY hard hard work I’ve found purpose greater than I could’ve imagined. Hope. Dips of defeatable depression. Joy. Rage. And LIFE again!!
Choosing to live is sometimes our greatest form of revolution. I post these now not out of shame but pride for Pride that they remind me that I lived. I’ll leave there to always remind me. #pridemonth #lgbtq🌈 #storytime #genderqueer | Posted on 13/Jun/2024 21:14:51
