Shannon Purser Instagram – Part Three: Revolution
When I was young, I used to pray for God to take away my identity, my mind, my ego, so I could be filled with something better. I was a good kid, pathologically sensitive to the feelings of others and my own wrongdoing, but I felt the cold breath of condemnation on my neck. I obsessively reasoned with myself. I knew that God could forgive any sin but only if I recognized it as such and repented of it.
But then, there was the matter of my being queer. My church & the theology passed down through my parents taught me that though God could forgive me being gay, I could never accept or act upon that feeling without betraying Christ. And while other temptations were fleeting, the undeniable fact of my attraction could not be forsaken. I tried. I saw how other queer people I loved were treated and talked about. They were instantly othered. “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Being told that wanting to love and be loved is worthy of hell doesn’t feel like love.
I obsessively looked for answers. I read works by Christians who chose celibacy rather than accept or embrace their homosexuality. I found other, more radical Christians, who argued that scripture never condemned homosexuality at all. I didn’t want to lose my faith, my entire worldview. I tried desperately to reconcile the wonderful, happy, good queer people I met with what I was taught they deserved. But it wasn’t just the issue of being gay. Everything had been called into question for me. Did anyone deserve eternal torment? Did this justice make sense? Could I live by a faith that tore me apart?
In the end, I couldn’t. I made the radical, terrifying, heretical, dangerous decision to try to love myself and others without condition- to trust that my heart wasn’t wicked and beyond cure. I resolved to keep the precious things I’d learned in my heart and release the rest. It didn’t happen all at once. My ideology changed fairly quickly but the twisted roots of self-loathing and fear are deeply engrained. I’m still digging them up. Still, to choose my own well-being and joy was freedom and power I’d never felt before. I didn’t have to face my demons on my knees, I could fight them myself. | Posted on 22/May/2024 04:05:14
