Billie Lourd

Billie Lourd Instagram – ♊️🅰️🅰️My mom would’ve been 69 years old today. Which still feels shockingly young because this is the 9th birthday of hers I’ve “celebrated” without her. It feels like she has been dead so long that she should be 100 at this point? It feels more okay for a 100 year old person to be dead? But not a 69 year old. Every time I meet someone older than her I’m secretly jealous. Why couldn’t she have lived as long as they have? Anyone out there who has lost a loved one too young can maybe relate? So I can’t really call it a wholly happy birthday cause she isn’t here to enjoy the happy. She never got to meet her grandchildren and see them grow into the magical smart hilarious kind creatures they are today. The other night my son asked me how she died – I told him that she didn’t take care of her body – telling him the truth without telling him the whole truth. “Oh but I take care of my body!” Yes I replied, “Yes you do! And I do too and daddy does too!” Death isn’t looming at our doorsteps the way it always was for her. That’s a conversation for later years. He didn’t push me for more answers so we left it at that. But it broke my heart. And made me mad at her. It’s weird being mad at a dead person because you don’t really have anywhere to put the emotion. But it’s still there and I’ve had to learn to allow myself to feel all the things – mad at her for not getting sober but also sad for her that she wasn’t able to get sober but also happy that she existed at all. So I allowed myself to be mad for a moment but then realized I also do want her birthday to have some happy in it. Especially for my kids. She was a brilliant magical human and I want them to know that. So despite the many emotions I have on these days I try to celebrate the good parts. I’ll tell my kids funny stories about her, watch one of her movies, eat one of her favorite foods, have a Coke with a shit ton of ice. Grief is a weird soup of feelings and there are a lot of ingredients in it that are hard to swallow, but ultimately I think the soup has made me healthier – more cognizant of how short life is and more appreciative of all the happy in my life. (Continued in comments cause I talk too much?) | Posted on 21/Oct/2025 19:36:39