Esther Perel Instagram – Polarity in couples can become quite an intense dynamic — especially on the big issues and decisions. As we each dig our heels in further, we actually reinforce the opposing viewpoint of our partner rather than create opportunity for alignment. However, if we were making this big decision on our own: for example, as parents of 2 children, wondering if we should have another, part of us desiring another baby, a bigger family, and the other part feeling the pressure of such a responsibility. We would have inner conflict, likely even ambivalence about the decision. In partnership, we’re simply outsourcing the side of the argument we don’t want to hold—as our partner champions one side, we champion the other, we’ve externalized the conflict that we likely feel around the topic in order to ease ourselves of the inner conflict. The problem is that the conflict then manifests in our relationship. One way to diffuse is to begin to consider and even argue the other side of the decision, allow yourself to feel and truly consider your partner’s side. Allow them to do the same. Recognize the parts of yourselves that are in conflict, to ease the tension between you and put you both on the same team to solve a tricky problem. That sets you up better for success and harmony in the connection.