Polarity in couples can become quite an intense dynamic — especially on the big issues and decisions. As we each dig our heels in further, we actually reinforce the opposing viewpoint of our partner rather than create opportunity for alignment.
However, if we were making this big decision on our own: for example, as parents of 2 children, wondering if we should have another, part of us desiring another baby, a bigger family, and the other part feeling the pressure of such a responsibility. We would have inner conflict, likely even ambivalence about the decision. In partnership, we’re simply outsourcing the side of the argument we don’t want to hold—as our partner champions one side, we champion the other, we’ve externalized the conflict that we likely feel around the topic in order to ease ourselves of the inner conflict.
The problem is that the conflict then manifests in our relationship. One way to diffuse is to begin to consider and even argue the other side of the decision, allow yourself to feel and truly consider your partner’s side. Allow them to do the same. Recognize the parts of yourselves that are in conflict, to ease the tension between you and put you both on the same team to solve a tricky problem. That sets you up better for success and harmony in the connection.
Depression is the family secret that everyone has. Approximately 280 million people suffer from depression worldwide (WHO). There are few people who haven’t been touched by it either directly or indirectly yet it is a conversation many are hesitant to have.
So, let’s talk about it.
Three years ago, I invited writer and lecturer, Andrew Solomon to my Sessions community to have a conversation about depression. In this clip, Andrew and I discuss how depression and anxiety of today is the mirror response to the pressure on happiness. The expectation of a constant state of happiness will cause you to constantly wonder if you are happy or if you are happy ENOUGH. Society’s distortions of people posting their best moments and their best selves on social media and this obsession with happiness and its relentless pursuit inherently creates massive uncertainty and self-doubt.
Visit the link in my bio to watch part of our conversation as Andrew defines depression and we explore the complexities and challenges surrounding it as well as treatment and critical actions for parents and friends of someone who is depressed. For the full conversation, I invite you to join my Sessions community at sessions.estherperel.com.
#mentalhealthawarenessmonth
When a woman’s place was stirring the pot around the fire and men were off hunting down the dinner, both sexes generally only came together for romance. Today, we go through life with more friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends than any generation before us. So how do we decide who will be what?
I have male friends I’ve known since high school. In fact, ‘boyfriends’ came and went, but many of the ‘boy friends’ are still solidly in my life. The very fact that they were my friends meant I had absolutely no romantic feelings for them. Over the years, we’ve played many roles for each other: playmates, career counsellors, confidantes, and alibis. We’ve told each other what to wear, say, do, been there for weddings, child-induced sleepless nights, funerals and marital collapses.
Some people truly believe that a friendship between opposite sexed is not really possible. They blame the inevitable X factor, while others claim jealously will rear its head when one of the two has a partner or gets married. Trust is key.
Can women and men be friends? I answer with an unequivocal yes — with good communication, boundaries, expectations and an open mind. Our world has evolved so rapidly these last decades when it comes to gender, sex, and romance — opening up even more possibility and opportunity. I believe we’re blessed with the ability to weave many types of relationships and for me, friendship between men and women is a unique strand that needs to be valued highly.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Making new friends as an adult can be challenging, especially when so many of us are working from home, shopping from home, even dating from the comfort of our couches. For some of us, the momentum required to get up and out of the house has never been higher, and this at-home inertia can be quite a hurdle when it comes to creating community in a new city, expanding your social sphere, or simply nurturing a new friendship.
The key is getting out in the world, experiencing your neighborhood, happenings in your area, inviting new friends to deepen a relationship over a cocktail or a concert. It’s these shared experiences that create bonds and memories, spark fascinating conversations and reveal commonalities. What are some of your favorite activities to do with new friends or lovers?
Visit last month’s workshop through the link in my bio to explore adult friendships and how to build stronger connections in today’s world.
We are taught from a young age to express ourselves.
The parts of us that don’t fit in with the groups and communities we are part of, get relegated to a dark corner inside of us. Most of us don’t learn for years what’s in that corner. We have a sense of it. But we don’t dare investigate.
I think we can all relate to that loneliness. Despite how alone we may feel, this is one of the most universal experiences in the world—particularly if the part you are hiding is that you are not straight or cis. If you’re reading this and seeing yourself, then you intimately know the shame and fear that comes from the threat of being excluded or excommunicated from the very groups that mean so much to you, whether it’s your family, friend group, or religious institution. Despite the proliferation of Pride celebrations worldwide, many of us don’t come from places that are ready to embrace us in our fullness. But that, too, is a universal experience.
I’ve witnessed and studied many powerful examples of human connection. But there is one that I return to time and time again to illustrate why friendship is just as important as romantic partnership or familial ties – the concept of chosen family. Those who shine a light into that dark corner inside of us. Those who see who we truly are. Those who accept it. And those who can relate.
In this month’s newsletter, I explore chosen family, how I’ve seen this structure support and uplift those around me, and how family of choice has held me. Follow the link in my bio to read the full story.
We are taught from a young age to express ourselves.
The parts of us that don’t fit in with the groups and communities we are part of, get relegated to a dark corner inside of us. Most of us don’t learn for years what’s in that corner. We have a sense of it. But we don’t dare investigate.
I think we can all relate to that loneliness. Despite how alone we may feel, this is one of the most universal experiences in the world—particularly if the part you are hiding is that you are not straight or cis. If you’re reading this and seeing yourself, then you intimately know the shame and fear that comes from the threat of being excluded or excommunicated from the very groups that mean so much to you, whether it’s your family, friend group, or religious institution. Despite the proliferation of Pride celebrations worldwide, many of us don’t come from places that are ready to embrace us in our fullness. But that, too, is a universal experience.
I’ve witnessed and studied many powerful examples of human connection. But there is one that I return to time and time again to illustrate why friendship is just as important as romantic partnership or familial ties – the concept of chosen family. Those who shine a light into that dark corner inside of us. Those who see who we truly are. Those who accept it. And those who can relate.
In this month’s newsletter, I explore chosen family, how I’ve seen this structure support and uplift those around me, and how family of choice has held me. Follow the link in my bio to read the full story.
Every day I work with couples who have been devastated by infidelity. They are in disbelief, gutted, shattered. Despite how common affairs are, the intensity of reactions that surround the topic of infidelity stands in the way of understanding, repair, and resilience — all elements that are crucial to the vitality of a relationship. Love is messy, infidelity more so. As a friend or family member of someone who has discovered an affair, your role is to be a support system and guide your loved one in getting back their own sense of self-worth, to overcome what very well may be one of the most challenging times of their life.
Visit the link in my bio to learn how to best support a friend or family member during this time.
Every day I work with couples who have been devastated by infidelity. They are in disbelief, gutted, shattered. Despite how common affairs are, the intensity of reactions that surround the topic of infidelity stands in the way of understanding, repair, and resilience — all elements that are crucial to the vitality of a relationship. Love is messy, infidelity more so. As a friend or family member of someone who has discovered an affair, your role is to be a support system and guide your loved one in getting back their own sense of self-worth, to overcome what very well may be one of the most challenging times of their life.
Visit the link in my bio to learn how to best support a friend or family member during this time.
Every day I work with couples who have been devastated by infidelity. They are in disbelief, gutted, shattered. Despite how common affairs are, the intensity of reactions that surround the topic of infidelity stands in the way of understanding, repair, and resilience — all elements that are crucial to the vitality of a relationship. Love is messy, infidelity more so. As a friend or family member of someone who has discovered an affair, your role is to be a support system and guide your loved one in getting back their own sense of self-worth, to overcome what very well may be one of the most challenging times of their life.
Visit the link in my bio to learn how to best support a friend or family member during this time.
Every day I work with couples who have been devastated by infidelity. They are in disbelief, gutted, shattered. Despite how common affairs are, the intensity of reactions that surround the topic of infidelity stands in the way of understanding, repair, and resilience — all elements that are crucial to the vitality of a relationship. Love is messy, infidelity more so. As a friend or family member of someone who has discovered an affair, your role is to be a support system and guide your loved one in getting back their own sense of self-worth, to overcome what very well may be one of the most challenging times of their life.
Visit the link in my bio to learn how to best support a friend or family member during this time.
Every day I work with couples who have been devastated by infidelity. They are in disbelief, gutted, shattered. Despite how common affairs are, the intensity of reactions that surround the topic of infidelity stands in the way of understanding, repair, and resilience — all elements that are crucial to the vitality of a relationship. Love is messy, infidelity more so. As a friend or family member of someone who has discovered an affair, your role is to be a support system and guide your loved one in getting back their own sense of self-worth, to overcome what very well may be one of the most challenging times of their life.
Visit the link in my bio to learn how to best support a friend or family member during this time.
Every day I work with couples who have been devastated by infidelity. They are in disbelief, gutted, shattered. Despite how common affairs are, the intensity of reactions that surround the topic of infidelity stands in the way of understanding, repair, and resilience — all elements that are crucial to the vitality of a relationship. Love is messy, infidelity more so. As a friend or family member of someone who has discovered an affair, your role is to be a support system and guide your loved one in getting back their own sense of self-worth, to overcome what very well may be one of the most challenging times of their life.
Visit the link in my bio to learn how to best support a friend or family member during this time.
Friends are an enormously important part of my life. I dedicate time to building new friendships, fostering a community, and maintaining relationships all over the world. In my office, I encourage my clients to make friends and explore the myriad of questions that arise around these relationships as often as I do romantic relationships.
What does friendship mean?
What are different degrees of friendships?
What different types?
How do you talk to your friends?
How do you fight with your friends?
How do you make up with your friends?
We don’t focus enough on these questions in friendship, yet they are the balms of people’s lives.
Priya Parker once explained to me that when people gather, they are there for you, but they are also there for themselves. For when we know that we matter to others, it gives us a significance. Many of you have heard me explain how, today, we turn to one person, our partner, to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
Now, I am meditating on the importance of the village: how I have built my village and how you can build and maintain yours.
No matter how deep your connection, friendships require emotional maintenance. Connection creates positive by-products; it is an antidote to loneliness. Friends are a lifeline, an oxygen mask.
And Object Constancy—our capacity to understand that an absent person or object exists and will return—is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Consider this a workout plan for the friendships that matter most to you.
Remember: it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. To explore the topic further, visit the blog through the link in my bio.
Friends are an enormously important part of my life. I dedicate time to building new friendships, fostering a community, and maintaining relationships all over the world. In my office, I encourage my clients to make friends and explore the myriad of questions that arise around these relationships as often as I do romantic relationships.
What does friendship mean?
What are different degrees of friendships?
What different types?
How do you talk to your friends?
How do you fight with your friends?
How do you make up with your friends?
We don’t focus enough on these questions in friendship, yet they are the balms of people’s lives.
Priya Parker once explained to me that when people gather, they are there for you, but they are also there for themselves. For when we know that we matter to others, it gives us a significance. Many of you have heard me explain how, today, we turn to one person, our partner, to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
Now, I am meditating on the importance of the village: how I have built my village and how you can build and maintain yours.
No matter how deep your connection, friendships require emotional maintenance. Connection creates positive by-products; it is an antidote to loneliness. Friends are a lifeline, an oxygen mask.
And Object Constancy—our capacity to understand that an absent person or object exists and will return—is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Consider this a workout plan for the friendships that matter most to you.
Remember: it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. To explore the topic further, visit the blog through the link in my bio.
Friends are an enormously important part of my life. I dedicate time to building new friendships, fostering a community, and maintaining relationships all over the world. In my office, I encourage my clients to make friends and explore the myriad of questions that arise around these relationships as often as I do romantic relationships.
What does friendship mean?
What are different degrees of friendships?
What different types?
How do you talk to your friends?
How do you fight with your friends?
How do you make up with your friends?
We don’t focus enough on these questions in friendship, yet they are the balms of people’s lives.
Priya Parker once explained to me that when people gather, they are there for you, but they are also there for themselves. For when we know that we matter to others, it gives us a significance. Many of you have heard me explain how, today, we turn to one person, our partner, to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
Now, I am meditating on the importance of the village: how I have built my village and how you can build and maintain yours.
No matter how deep your connection, friendships require emotional maintenance. Connection creates positive by-products; it is an antidote to loneliness. Friends are a lifeline, an oxygen mask.
And Object Constancy—our capacity to understand that an absent person or object exists and will return—is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Consider this a workout plan for the friendships that matter most to you.
Remember: it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. To explore the topic further, visit the blog through the link in my bio.
Friends are an enormously important part of my life. I dedicate time to building new friendships, fostering a community, and maintaining relationships all over the world. In my office, I encourage my clients to make friends and explore the myriad of questions that arise around these relationships as often as I do romantic relationships.
What does friendship mean?
What are different degrees of friendships?
What different types?
How do you talk to your friends?
How do you fight with your friends?
How do you make up with your friends?
We don’t focus enough on these questions in friendship, yet they are the balms of people’s lives.
Priya Parker once explained to me that when people gather, they are there for you, but they are also there for themselves. For when we know that we matter to others, it gives us a significance. Many of you have heard me explain how, today, we turn to one person, our partner, to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
Now, I am meditating on the importance of the village: how I have built my village and how you can build and maintain yours.
No matter how deep your connection, friendships require emotional maintenance. Connection creates positive by-products; it is an antidote to loneliness. Friends are a lifeline, an oxygen mask.
And Object Constancy—our capacity to understand that an absent person or object exists and will return—is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Consider this a workout plan for the friendships that matter most to you.
Remember: it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. To explore the topic further, visit the blog through the link in my bio.
Friends are an enormously important part of my life. I dedicate time to building new friendships, fostering a community, and maintaining relationships all over the world. In my office, I encourage my clients to make friends and explore the myriad of questions that arise around these relationships as often as I do romantic relationships.
What does friendship mean?
What are different degrees of friendships?
What different types?
How do you talk to your friends?
How do you fight with your friends?
How do you make up with your friends?
We don’t focus enough on these questions in friendship, yet they are the balms of people’s lives.
Priya Parker once explained to me that when people gather, they are there for you, but they are also there for themselves. For when we know that we matter to others, it gives us a significance. Many of you have heard me explain how, today, we turn to one person, our partner, to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity.
Now, I am meditating on the importance of the village: how I have built my village and how you can build and maintain yours.
No matter how deep your connection, friendships require emotional maintenance. Connection creates positive by-products; it is an antidote to loneliness. Friends are a lifeline, an oxygen mask.
And Object Constancy—our capacity to understand that an absent person or object exists and will return—is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Consider this a workout plan for the friendships that matter most to you.
Remember: it is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. To explore the topic further, visit the blog through the link in my bio.
Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling.
Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? These ideas posed in Mating in Captivity are through lines that have traversed my work for decades, continually underpinning so many of the issues that modern day couples face.
To read the book that started it all, follow the link in my bio.
Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling.
Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? These ideas posed in Mating in Captivity are through lines that have traversed my work for decades, continually underpinning so many of the issues that modern day couples face.
To read the book that started it all, follow the link in my bio.
Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling.
Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all? These ideas posed in Mating in Captivity are through lines that have traversed my work for decades, continually underpinning so many of the issues that modern day couples face.
To read the book that started it all, follow the link in my bio.
I was trained in the notion that a therapist should not see friends. That if you work with someone, you don’t also want to work with that someone’s friend or loved one. There was a staunch belief that those relationships should be kept separate— in order not to contaminate the therapy container.
Once I started to expand my practice, and especially when I began to work more with queer couples, where there was more fluidity around the boundaries between friends, lovers, exes, and current partnership, I realized that these imposed lines don’t really make sense. That they fail to address the reality of social lives and structures today.
In this Sessions conversation I had with Diana Adams, she illustrates a beautiful point about therapy with friends. In today’s society, our relational needs are met through many relationships in our lives—romantic relationships may not necessarily be the primary ones. It is assumed that relationship therapy is meant only for couples, but @dianaadamsesq challenges this belief and encourages us to ask ourselves: “who are the core relationships in your life?”
No matter the answer, just know that this relationship—familial, platonic, or romantic is valid and worth the space and the time to explore, repair and rebuild. That all core relationships require maintenance, and therapy can be affective for all types of connections.
To explore this conversation further, visit the Sessions platform and join my online community of practitioners and clinicians as we untangle these topics month over month.
In our society, we talk endlessly about intimacy in romantic partnership, but it’s not often that we look at our friendships through the same lens. Men especially balance a societally mandated burden to be independent and an (often hidden) desire to vulnerable and connected.
My esteemed colleague Terry Real has said, that “under patriarchy, you can be connected, or you can be powerful, but you can’t be both at the same time because power is power over, not power with, it’s dominance. So, if you move into power, you lose connection.” How does that land for you? Do you agree? And if so, how can we begin to disassemble this outdated narrative?
In this episode of Where Should We Begin? I bring together two sons of South Asian immigrants, both raised in the South, to see where their long-term friendship started to take a turn. Something happened in their friendship that expressed an internal conflict that became a relational conflict so that each of them became the representation of the part that the other one was struggling with and felt ambivalent about.
I help these two best friends voice, for the first time, the long shadow of class, religion, culture, profession, and gender eclipsing their relationship and shine a light on a ritual of reconnection. I invite you to listen to “Friendship – My Reliable Gift” through the link in my bio for their full story.
Map your constellation of care. Who matters in your life today? Who is there for you? For whom are you there?
Family is comprised of people who are committed to be there for you no matter what—bonded in ways that transcend circumstance, geography, and convenience. Often those people are our relatives, other times they are our friends and sometimes they are a combination of both. In this Sessions Interview with Diana Adams, we discuss the concept of family of choice—the individuals around you with whom you have lifelong committed mutual support. Those who provide you with a sense of belonging.
For more on the topic, I invite you to listen to Diana’s TED Talk, “Why US laws must expand beyond the nuclear family” and visit my Sessions Community for our full conversation.
Moral Injuries of War, hosted by National Sawdust, is an immersive experience forging new ways to contemplate and heal from war through testimony, movement, and public conversation.
I am honored to join this production co-produced by artist, psychologist, and my husband @jacksaulofficial and composer @betweenthebranches followed by a live conversation with veterans and war journalists, hosted by Jack and myself on June 1st and 2nd at National Sawdust, a groundbreaking performing arts space in Brooklyn. Weaving together the voices of veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan, the entire show is a visionary production that brings the untold stories of war to the American public.
This confronting experience, which innovates at the intersection of testimony, civic engagement, and community, reimagines what we know about war and its aftermath, better understanding this complex global topic.
Tickets are available through the link in my bio. We hope to see you there!
@moralinjuriesofwar @nationalsawdust
