Phoebe Robinson Instagram – #ThotNaysh! Sorry I’ve been MIA! The writers & actors strikes have had your girl feeling low, but this wk’s #ThirstyThursday honoree awakened my inner heaux. I’m back with some NYT best-selling worthy CLIT-erature about a tenured jamón for us to savor over Labia Day wkend, excuse me, LABOR DAY wkend. #ILearnedSpanishOnDuHeauxLingo. I’m talking about actor & caliente Zaddy: Javier Bardem. ⠀ Javier Ángel Encinas Bardem may have been born in the spring of ‘69, but MY 69 is avail for him all year long. Can you blame me? Javi is hot as hell! Peep the stats: at 5’11” with lightly tanned skin, he looks like a life size Lorna Doone cookie that I can nib-nib on while sipping a pumpkin spice latte. At 54 years old, we can use his AARP discount to buy ADT Home Security for our house. What can I say? Bitch loves a deal & his net worth has some girth ($30 mil), so let’s spend his coins on other things like real estate, lube, and kanekalon hair for my box braids! And with that sexy accent, thicc head of hair, and tight bod, Javier earned his spot on my Mt. GUSH-more. #LandmarkIsProtectedByTheGovt #LandmarkIsErodedByMy💦💦💦. But it’s not just lewks! This man is talented AF! ⠀ Romance? He had rizz coming out the wazoo in “Eat Pray Love.” Scary? With his work in “No Country for Old Men, Jav-Jav became the first & only Spaniard to win a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. Royalty? His flawless performance as King Triton in “The Little Mermaid” made me wanna deep throat his filet-o-fish (HALP!). He’s the real deal! Al Pacino once called him to tell him how brilliant he was and John Malkovich cast Bardem in his first English-speaking lead role. Wow! ⠀ Not only that, but Javier cares about the world (in 2018, he became an ambassador of Greenpeace for the protection of Antarctica), is politically outspoken & is doting father of two & one half of acting power couple (Oscar winner Penélope Cruz is his wife) for the past of 16 years! ⠀ Congrats, Javier, for being one of the best actors around & for being sexy AF. If you’re ever in NYC and need a place to stay, you can AirBnB my “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” aka my vajeen. Welcome to the #TT Hall of Fame. #JavierBardem