#ThotNaysh! Sorry I’ve been MIA! The writers & actors strikes have had your girl feeling low, but this wk’s #ThirstyThursday honoree awakened my inner heaux. I’m back with some NYT best-selling worthy CLIT-erature about a tenured jamón for us to savor over Labia Day wkend, excuse me, LABOR DAY wkend. #ILearnedSpanishOnDuHeauxLingo. I’m talking about actor & caliente Zaddy: Javier Bardem.
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Javier Ángel Encinas Bardem may have been born in the spring of ‘69, but MY 69 is avail for him all year long. Can you blame me? Javi is hot as hell! Peep the stats: at 5’11” with lightly tanned skin, he looks like a life size Lorna Doone cookie that I can nib-nib on while sipping a pumpkin spice latte. At 54 years old, we can use his AARP discount to buy ADT Home Security for our house. What can I say? Bitch loves a deal & his net worth has some girth ($30 mil), so let’s spend his coins on other things like real estate, lube, and kanekalon hair for my box braids! And with that sexy accent, thicc head of hair, and tight bod, Javier earned his spot on my Mt. GUSH-more. #LandmarkIsProtectedByTheGovt #LandmarkIsErodedByMy💦💦💦. But it’s not just lewks! This man is talented AF!
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Romance? He had rizz coming out the wazoo in “Eat Pray Love.” Scary? With his work in “No Country for Old Men, Jav-Jav became the first & only Spaniard to win a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. Royalty? His flawless performance as King Triton in “The Little Mermaid” made me wanna deep throat his filet-o-fish (HALP!). He’s the real deal! Al Pacino once called him to tell him how brilliant he was and John Malkovich cast Bardem in his first English-speaking lead role. Wow!
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Not only that, but Javier cares about the world (in 2018, he became an ambassador of Greenpeace for the protection of Antarctica), is politically outspoken & is doting father of two & one half of acting power couple (Oscar winner Penélope Cruz is his wife) for the past of 16 years!
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Congrats, Javier, for being one of the best actors around & for being sexy AF. If you’re ever in NYC and need a place to stay, you can AirBnB my “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” aka my vajeen. Welcome to the #TT Hall of Fame. #JavierBardem
LMAOOOOOOOOO. HALP! I’m SCREAMING!!! Why he smile like this?!? He’s wanted to be president all his life and don’t know how to smile?! Smiling is like 27.12% of the job of being president. #DontFactCheckTheMath. You gotta smile when you hold babies. Smile while standing next to your wife at an event even though y’all rather be at home watching “The Bear.” Smile at White House holiday parties. Smile when greeting the White House Press Corp when you wanna be like, “Bitch, it is 6:17p; I fresh the fuck out of answers!” If you cannot smile in order to mask your emotions; you can’t be prez! This heaux would be in a meeting with our enemies giving a “Ruh roh” smile, tipping off how he really feels/thinks and next thing you know, all the internet in America would be downgraded on 2G thanks to Russia. I NEED TO SEE THE HORROR SHOW THAT IS “AND JUST LIKE THAT”’S CHE DIAZ ON 5G, PLEASE & THANK YOU. #Lol #ISoundLikeTheComptrollerOfQAnon. Point is, Ron DeSantis has been utterly horrifying and ignorant for a really long time. But #Smilegate is hilarious. This dude look like he tooted out a Chipotle fart #HoldTheGuac – and now it’s been captured on camera for all of time. #DreamsDoComeTrue #GOPDebate
#ThotNaysh, y’all know I love me some tenured peen. But all these old ass, wrinkly ass, crypt keeper looking ass mofos in gub’ment who freeze during press conferences like they’re a rainbow pinwheel spinning on my Mac cuz I have SEVENTY-TWO tabs open in Safari – #ElderMillenialNonsense – are a mess. Just hanging onto power even tho Death left them a trail of Werther’s Originals in the hopes of luring them home. The only bitch with any sense is Mitt Romney who’s retiring next year at 77! Point is: old dick is a shit show! Time for young gabagool! And today’s honoree fits the bill! This action-star can be funny or serious & has us all 🤤. I’m talking about Canadian actor, author, & former stuntman @SimuLiu.
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Schlong story short: Simu has our peens & vajeens in a chokehold. Peep the stats: At 34, he’s yung enough to think “sciatica” is the name of a Black girl. #Halp. He’s in such good shape he won’t need an electrolyte break cuz he’s been boning me in missionary posish for three minutes. #HalpTheBadBoyRecordsRemix. His perfect face is a work of art that belongs in a museum next to a Charles Eames chair. Much like an Eames chair at MoMA, even tho we would like to sit on Simu’s face, we, alas, cannot. But it’s not just looks! He can do it all!
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He killed it in “Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings,” was hilarz as a Ken in “Barbie,” & flirty as Chrishell’s friend who was looking for a house on “Selling Sunset.” But did ya know that Simu-mu is a NYT best selling author thanks to his memoir “We Were Dreamers: An Immigrant Superhero Origin Story?” He was also a competitive hip hop dancer, a stuntman, released his first single, a ballad called “Don’t,” & “Time” named him one the 100 Most Influential People in the World! Zamn, Zaddy! Ionno if he’s single, but I’m volunteering as tribute to become Simu’s Boo.
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Congrats, Simu, at doing it all while looking good doing it. Your future’s bright! And if you ever feel down, you can maple syrup my pancakes anytime. Yes, NYC Health Department, that’s up to code! Welcome to the #ThirstyThursday Hall of Fame, Simu!
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P.S. My #MessyAF stand-up tour starts next week! Click da link in da bio to see me be ignorant in person!
#ThotNaysh! It’s my birthday month, so #ThirstyThursday is gonna be tangier, more trifling, & thottier (pronounced like Cartier because I’m classy) than ever. HALP! Which is what I screamed when I saw that vid of today’s honoree on a boat. Normally, a rich white man wearing a suit on a boat has my vajeen drier than a packet of expired Biscoff cookies that were trampled on during that Delta diarrhea flight. BUT! In this case, homeboy is so 🔥 that he can Christopher Columbus my Niña (titties), Pinta (vajayjay), & Santa Maria (booty). #HalpTheSequel. Point is this timeless bratwurst has had our loins quivering for DECADES & it’s not talked about enough! I’m, of course, referring to actor & race car driver @PatrickDempsey.
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When I first saw Patrick Galen Dempsey as Dr. Derek “McDreamy” Shepard on “Grey’s Anatomy,” I was ready to Web M his D. #HalpTheFranchise. Thx to him, I realized I wanna be dicked down in a surgical closet while Snow Patrol plays in the background. SORRY, GHOST OF MLK JR. This is MY dream & it continues cuz Patrick’s hotter than ever.
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Peep the stats: Demp-Demp now has salt & pepper hair, so he has enough experience to know his way around your body & a FICO score. At 57, he understands the importance of a One-A-Day multivitamin. #TheCoupleThatsHeartHealthyTogetherStaysTogether. And w/his sexy smile, tan, & blue eyes, he’s giving Martha’s Vineyard in the streets & hot college professor in the sheets. #GraduatingSummaCUMLaudeEveryNight. But it’s not just lewks, y’all! He’s the complete package!
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Patty Cakes been professionally acting since 1985, starring in movies like “Sweet Home Alabama, “Disenchanted,” & “Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon.” He’s also been the face of L’Oreal & Versace and a race car driver since 2009. He has a big heart & opened the Patrick Dempsey Center at Central Maine Medical Center in Lewiston due to his mother’s bouts with cancer. And he’s a family man as he’s been married for 24 years & has three kids. Cute!!
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Congrats, Patrick on a great career, life, & being hot for a long time. Welcome to the #TT Hall of Fame! #PatrickDempsey
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P.S. #ThotNaysh – see me live on my Messy AF stand-up tour. Click da link in da bio.
#ThotNaysh, Linda Evangelista once said she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Well, I’ll get up 200 bucks, a regifted diptyque tea light candle, and a Paramount login info. #IRefuseToSubscribeToYetAnotherStreamer
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @lucille__reynolds
Tights: @falke
Heels: @kurtgeiger
Jewelry: @edens.harvest
#ThotNaysh, Linda Evangelista once said she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Well, I’ll get up 200 bucks, a regifted diptyque tea light candle, and a Paramount login info. #IRefuseToSubscribeToYetAnotherStreamer
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @lucille__reynolds
Tights: @falke
Heels: @kurtgeiger
Jewelry: @edens.harvest
#ThotNaysh, Linda Evangelista once said she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Well, I’ll get up 200 bucks, a regifted diptyque tea light candle, and a Paramount login info. #IRefuseToSubscribeToYetAnotherStreamer
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @lucille__reynolds
Tights: @falke
Heels: @kurtgeiger
Jewelry: @edens.harvest
#ThotNaysh, Linda Evangelista once said she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Well, I’ll get up 200 bucks, a regifted diptyque tea light candle, and a Paramount login info. #IRefuseToSubscribeToYetAnotherStreamer
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @lucille__reynolds
Tights: @falke
Heels: @kurtgeiger
Jewelry: @edens.harvest
#ThotNaysh, Linda Evangelista once said she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000. Well, I’ll get up 200 bucks, a regifted diptyque tea light candle, and a Paramount login info. #IRefuseToSubscribeToYetAnotherStreamer
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @lucille__reynolds
Tights: @falke
Heels: @kurtgeiger
Jewelry: @edens.harvest
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
london part deux 💂🏾♂️
1) watching @catherinejoywhite shine during her moderated talk for her book #ThreadOfGold. so thrilled i’m pubbing the book stateside & that she’s a part of the @tinyrepbooks fam. can’t wait for y’all to read the book next year
2) kewl statue I saw in south kensington
3) opera on the street
4) barbie. umm, not me falling asleep during the movie. 🤣🤣🤣. happy for all the success the film has achieved and thrilled for everyone in it, but i do not get the hype at all. 🤷🏾♀️
5) after a year of DM’ing, finally got to kiki with @sarahniles_. what a delight. what a woman. cannot wait to see what she does next as she dazzles me every time she’s on screen on “ted lasso.”
6) shoes from @reformation. the shape of this heel is to die for
7) hotel room service (brisket sandwich with onion rings) & #ProjectGreenlight. this season was absolutely riveting. chaotic and stressful. loved it!
8) have adored @ananddb ever since we met when he auditioned for “everything’s trash.” lucky to have guy friends like him to remind me of how special i am.
9) lol. no matter where I am, i will find @freepeople
10) went back to @nottinghillbookshop and bought more books. lol. halp! seriously tho, very proud of my book haul
#ThotNaysh, in less than one week, I’ll be officially kicking off the #MessyAF tour!! Can’t wait to come to town with my lovely opener @CaliseHawkins as I’ll be talking about tenured sauseege, girl boss life, my old ass knees, white women, & more!
Click on da link in da bio to cop you some tix, heauxes! Love and light!
#ThotNaysh! My #MessyAF tour starts this wk! Have you gotten your tix yet?
I’ll make you a deal: you get tix & I promise I’ll wear shoes on stage. #ImNotJossStone. But I do think my feet in this pic could get me a sammich and a $30 gift card to American Eagle Outfitters. 🤣🤣🤣 #StandUp
#ThotNaysh, I went to a Home Goods -#FrugalShopper – and saw a quote on a faux wood board that read “Happiness is when you feel good about yourself without feeling the need for anyone else’s approval” and I FELT that ish. My happiness comes from a variety of things but I was feelin’ like Naomi Campbell minus throw in’ phones during this shoot. 🤣🤣
📸: @raulromo
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl
Makeup: @alanapalaumakeup
Styling: @elenalark
assisted by @iamnot_shialabeouf @mia_navarro_
Dress: @semsem
Heels: @dolcevita
Jewelry: @jenniferfisherjewelry
WOWIE, WOWIE! The journ-journ with my imprint @tinyrepbooks has truly be a wonderful one. I’m just three short years, I’ve met so many brilliant & talented authors like @melatocatierra, who is popping our poetry cherry over here. That’s right! PLANTAINS & AND OUR BECOMING is the very first poetry collection we’re publishing. I am so, so, so proud of her and this phenomenal book. She is insanely talented. So wonderful and beautiful and awesome. I fell in love with this book from the first poem on in her proposal and I cannot wait for y’all to catch feels either. Peep my IG story to get you a copy!
Hair: @sabsthegoodgirl & @aw3_201
#ThotNaysh, woo-hoo! Few things make me prouder than having my own imprint and working with brilliant writers. Loved this IG live with @tinyrepbooks author @drlwatkins as we discussed her SECOND book with TRB, the newly published #HollerChild. We talk about her dreams, family, animals, and this wonderful book. Check out and then get you a copy of the book!!
