Phoebe Robinson Instagram – #ThotNaysh, y’all know I love me some tenured peen. But all these old ass, wrinkly ass, crypt keeper looking ass mofos in gub’ment who freeze during press conferences like they’re a rainbow pinwheel spinning on my Mac cuz I have SEVENTY-TWO tabs open in Safari – #ElderMillenialNonsense – are a mess. Just hanging onto power even tho Death left them a trail of Werther’s Originals in the hopes of luring them home. The only bitch with any sense is Mitt Romney who’s retiring next year at 77! Point is: old dick is a shit show! Time for young gabagool! And today’s honoree fits the bill! This action-star can be funny or serious & has us all 🤤. I’m talking about Canadian actor, author, & former stuntman @SimuLiu. ⠀ Schlong story short: Simu has our peens & vajeens in a chokehold. Peep the stats: At 34, he’s yung enough to think “sciatica” is the name of a Black girl. #Halp. He’s in such good shape he won’t need an electrolyte break cuz he’s been boning me in missionary posish for three minutes. #HalpTheBadBoyRecordsRemix. His perfect face is a work of art that belongs in a museum next to a Charles Eames chair. Much like an Eames chair at MoMA, even tho we would like to sit on Simu’s face, we, alas, cannot. But it’s not just looks! He can do it all! ⠀ He killed it in “Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings,” was hilarz as a Ken in “Barbie,” & flirty as Chrishell’s friend who was looking for a house on “Selling Sunset.” But did ya know that Simu-mu is a NYT best selling author thanks to his memoir “We Were Dreamers: An Immigrant Superhero Origin Story?” He was also a competitive hip hop dancer, a stuntman, released his first single, a ballad called “Don’t,” & “Time” named him one the 100 Most Influential People in the World! Zamn, Zaddy! Ionno if he’s single, but I’m volunteering as tribute to become Simu’s Boo. ⠀ Congrats, Simu, at doing it all while looking good doing it. Your future’s bright! And if you ever feel down, you can maple syrup my pancakes anytime. Yes, NYC Health Department, that’s up to code! Welcome to the #ThirstyThursday Hall of Fame, Simu! ⠀ P.S. My #MessyAF stand-up tour starts next week! Click da link in da bio to see me be ignorant in person!