Meghan Tonjes Instagram – i really loved this book. more poets writing memoirs pls.
(some favorite lines)
I knew it because sometimes you just know in some invisible place that you carry around with you but that isn’t even you when things are ending and new things are being born.
I knew it because in that kiss I felt the sudden disappearance of all questions. I had a life that was overrun with questions. Do I exist? Am I good enough? Am I a human? Who is going to kill me? Will I be destroyed? Do I matter?
I try to heal the disorder with my own two hands, and it feels like trying to arrange the stars. I struggle to clean up the messes I’ve made, the messes that have been made in me. I try to attend to my growth as one attends to a struggling plant, clipping dead leaves, changing positions in relation to the ever-moving sun. Overwatering and underwatering. I play music for myself, sing songs, ask what I need. I watch my spirit wilt and revive, fall and spring back again.
I am lost and found and always have been. Wandering in vastness and light, weaving between knowing and never knowing, trying to see everything there is to see, trying to be far enough away to understand and close enough to grieve. I return again and again, for after everything else has been lost, return is all I know of love.
Love is simply the feeling that I am grateful to be here and i am grateful you are here too, even if you’re on my fucking nerves, which to be honest some of you are.
Either you get out or go all the way in.
Most of me wanted to get out. It was too cold. I was too afraid.
But there was a small part of me that knew my whole life lived right there below the surface of this water because my whole life comes down to a willingness to feel.
She is no longer here to defend herself or explain herself and I bet that’s quite a relief for her. A lifelong swindler, she has pulled the ultimate grift on all of us by dying early and leaving us here to parse out what she actually meant.
My good blessing this new year has been story and a pair of hands that touched each leaf as if each leaf were a loving living thing, as if I deserved to eat things that had been loved in this way. | Posted on 16/Jun/2024 06:22:50
