I’m not like a regular old gay lady buying local cheeses at your work, I’m a cool old gay lady buying local cheeses at your work.
Friends, I shit you not, I’m cleaning out my garage and just found a box with my size medium AA super-low V’s, LFGOOOOOoooo!
“Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” was released 20 years ago (!!) this week, which means it’s also a very important 20th anniversary for me: finding my first gay pop diva as an adult. Obviously I loved Madonna, Janet, and Cyndi growing up, but becoming a Kylie Minogue fan was so completely unexpected to me at that time, a riot grrrl/Toriphile who mostly liked music that made me want to rage or cry (which is a very good thing too!). I don’t really know how to write about music, so I won’t try, but CGYOOMH is just such an absolutely perfect song, and Fever is a perfect album from start to finish, every song is a 100% banger, and it opened a new (or new again) world to me of wanting to dance and feel sexy and iconic. Like, I really don’t know how a tiny Australian pop princess made a fat Pasadena, CA femme lesbian in her thrifted men’s slacks era feel positively oozing with raw sexuality just the way she was, but Kylie did that for me. What a time! What a gift! #femmefriday #cgyoomh20 #kyliefever
I think about this meme so much and then I never repost it because I’m like, not in the mood to write a caveat about how of course you shouldn’t demand that people have sex with you, even comedically, and you shouldn’t objectify people without their consent, and, perhaps most importantly, I genuinely enjoy all sizes of titties. But then I think about big titty butches and think of the meme again and want to post it again so I’m doing that now. I hope titties of all gender expressions know how loved they are today 🥰
The memory of my eye doctor thinking Jo was my young, inexplicably very white son in our first year of dating will haunt me for all time. Someday they will become a silver fox and I will know peace, but until then I remain hyper-vigilant. #femmefriday
I only make memes about very specific things that recently happened to me now, apparently, so FYI me and @samiterrestrial totally got queer femme-clocked at the local pool the other day, and I gotta say, it felt great 💅🏽 #femmefriday
The only two forms of self-care I practice are accidentally listening to my body when she’s tired or staying up until 4AM cramming in the things I know make her feel good 🌙🧖🏽♀️🚫 💤 #femmefriday
A few years ago, this miniskirt femme said that if you ever caught me in public wearing a maxi dress, you should ask me to blink twice if I’ve been kidnapped. In 2021, I’m googling “mega dress,” not because I don’t think I can pull off a mini, but because I need more dress for all my feelings. #femmefriday #timeishomophobic #timeisfemmephobic
Happy Pride to all who celebrate! I’m feeling kinda ehhh this year, which is a mix of feelings, not all bad necessarily. I’m celebrating by practicing the fundamentals of homosexuality (having gay sex) and conditioning my upper body for optimal hand-flamboyance while telling a good story after a mostly drama-free year 💅🏽 #pridemonth
I don’t care how “respectable” psilocybin mushrooms become, I took my first handful in a room with a glittery 70s cottage cheese ceiling and like 5 Bath & Body Works candles of wildly non-complimentary scents lit for atmosphere, those will always be called SHROOMS to me!
I’m so fucking obsessed with @shoyellowjackets, please be prepared. It has everything: 90s girls, women in their 40s, perfect soundtrack, genius young actors, genius seasoned actors, horror elements, insider humor (the subtle coconut LaCroix line was brilliant, and I say that as fan of the much reviled flavor), female friendship, lesbians, cannibalism, etc. I can’t believe I’m actually watching a show I can’t binge, but it hurts in the good way I guess!!
I’m so fucking obsessed with @shoyellowjackets, please be prepared. It has everything: 90s girls, women in their 40s, perfect soundtrack, genius young actors, genius seasoned actors, horror elements, insider humor (the subtle coconut LaCroix line was brilliant, and I say that as fan of the much reviled flavor), female friendship, lesbians, cannibalism, etc. I can’t believe I’m actually watching a show I can’t binge, but it hurts in the good way I guess!!
Me to me: “she’s just not that into you!” Swipe for the cover photo of the brochure for the Bad Face/Stunningly Good Hair Support Group I’m starting then swipe again for the sweet flier for my show with Lauren White featuring fav illustrations of all time by my forever honey Jo. Please come to the show, it is in ONE WEEK! Tickets on sale in my bio, chicxs!! 💋💋💋💋
Me to me: “she’s just not that into you!” Swipe for the cover photo of the brochure for the Bad Face/Stunningly Good Hair Support Group I’m starting then swipe again for the sweet flier for my show with Lauren White featuring fav illustrations of all time by my forever honey Jo. Please come to the show, it is in ONE WEEK! Tickets on sale in my bio, chicxs!! 💋💋💋💋
Me to me: “she’s just not that into you!” Swipe for the cover photo of the brochure for the Bad Face/Stunningly Good Hair Support Group I’m starting then swipe again for the sweet flier for my show with Lauren White featuring fav illustrations of all time by my forever honey Jo. Please come to the show, it is in ONE WEEK! Tickets on sale in my bio, chicxs!! 💋💋💋💋
Gender reveal party accident victims 😞
Gender reveal party accident victims 😞
It’s not that I peaked in high school (I peaked in 2007 or 2016, depending on whether that means being a very popular local lesbian or overcoming major fears and doing things I never dreamed I could, don’t ask what my choice would be, lol), but it’s that I was lucky enough to figure out who I was on the earlier side. Too bad she’s a dumb bitch!! 1) #tbt 18th bday, all-girls Catholic school. 2) sorry dudes. 3) iykyk 4) COME TO LAUREN’S AND MY SHOW NEXT MONTH!! It’s going to be incredible! Link in bio. 4) what to wear with your Love Spell body spray and platform chanclas.
It’s not that I peaked in high school (I peaked in 2007 or 2016, depending on whether that means being a very popular local lesbian or overcoming major fears and doing things I never dreamed I could, don’t ask what my choice would be, lol), but it’s that I was lucky enough to figure out who I was on the earlier side. Too bad she’s a dumb bitch!! 1) #tbt 18th bday, all-girls Catholic school. 2) sorry dudes. 3) iykyk 4) COME TO LAUREN’S AND MY SHOW NEXT MONTH!! It’s going to be incredible! Link in bio. 4) what to wear with your Love Spell body spray and platform chanclas.
It’s not that I peaked in high school (I peaked in 2007 or 2016, depending on whether that means being a very popular local lesbian or overcoming major fears and doing things I never dreamed I could, don’t ask what my choice would be, lol), but it’s that I was lucky enough to figure out who I was on the earlier side. Too bad she’s a dumb bitch!! 1) #tbt 18th bday, all-girls Catholic school. 2) sorry dudes. 3) iykyk 4) COME TO LAUREN’S AND MY SHOW NEXT MONTH!! It’s going to be incredible! Link in bio. 4) what to wear with your Love Spell body spray and platform chanclas.
It’s not that I peaked in high school (I peaked in 2007 or 2016, depending on whether that means being a very popular local lesbian or overcoming major fears and doing things I never dreamed I could, don’t ask what my choice would be, lol), but it’s that I was lucky enough to figure out who I was on the earlier side. Too bad she’s a dumb bitch!! 1) #tbt 18th bday, all-girls Catholic school. 2) sorry dudes. 3) iykyk 4) COME TO LAUREN’S AND MY SHOW NEXT MONTH!! It’s going to be incredible! Link in bio. 4) what to wear with your Love Spell body spray and platform chanclas.
It’s not that I peaked in high school (I peaked in 2007 or 2016, depending on whether that means being a very popular local lesbian or overcoming major fears and doing things I never dreamed I could, don’t ask what my choice would be, lol), but it’s that I was lucky enough to figure out who I was on the earlier side. Too bad she’s a dumb bitch!! 1) #tbt 18th bday, all-girls Catholic school. 2) sorry dudes. 3) iykyk 4) COME TO LAUREN’S AND MY SHOW NEXT MONTH!! It’s going to be incredible! Link in bio. 4) what to wear with your Love Spell body spray and platform chanclas.
ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!! I am returning to the stage for the first time in almost two years to host/open for one the absolute best and funniest @_sophia_cleary 🤯👶🏼 Sophia’s show is, I’ll say it, a masterpiece. If you haven’t seen it, YOU MUST, and if you have IT’S EVEN BETTER THAN EVER. So please come. I have a new joke, which is about windbreakers, so I’m going to need some real yes guys in the audience!! Link in bio 💋
Girth queens and greedy-holed highnesses will say it was Lonestar or Outlaw. Personally, I Goldicocks’d my way through almost all of the platinum silicone available when I worked at The Pleasure Chest in WeHo, but I never really found The One 🐓 Sad!
