Okay but serious question: What iPhone are you?
From my 2022 @netflixisajoke / @contodonetflix stand-up special #MiddleClassy
Lululemon.
Head to the @ImprovMilwaukee and catch @Cristela9 this weekend, May 16-18!
#jokes #comedy #standup #improvcomedyclubs #comedyclub #fyp #cristela #cristelaalonzo #lululemon #workout #gym #fitness #milwaukee
Learning the internet.
Hey Pittsburgh!
It’s time to get your tickets if you already haven’t to see Cristela Alonzo LIVE this weekend!
April 19-21🎟️
@cristela9
Today is the anniversary of my mom’s death so…FYI: This joke is about death and grief. You know, funny stuff. It took me over ten years after my mom passed for me to be able to try to talk about that moment. wanted to post it to show people that I come from a family where we don’t talk about our feelings but I knew I had to break that cycle…no matter how hard it was. Twenty-one years ago and throughout the years, I like to noticing the stories I remember about her. My mom wasn’t taught to deal with her feelings…but that doesn’t mean her loss can’t.
From #LowerClassy on Netflix.
When you’re an #iphone6 and still kicking!
@cristela9 has been performing standup for over 20 years and recorded her first album for Comedy Central right here at the San Jose Improv! Not only is she funny but she’s well known in the world of social justice, immigrant rights, and various human rights initiatives. Don’t miss out on an amazing night of comedy! #sanjoseimprov #standupcomedy
Vicks.
Don’t miss @Cristela9 at the @PittsburghImprov this weekend, April 19-21!
#jokes #comedy #standup #improvcomedyclubs #comedyclub #fyp #cristelaalonzo #cristela #vicks #insurance #sick #pittsburgh
Back in 2019, I released a book called #MusicToMyYears with @atriabooks from @simonandschuster. When it came out, I couldn’t promote it to save my life. Everyone was getting fired by Trump and putting out books. I wasn’t an A-list celebrity, etc.
It took me years to write it. Despite all that…with the support I got from people throughout the years, I am happy to announce that today my book is out on PAPERBACK!
I wasn’t expecting it. I found out about it back in November. I am so excited about it because I LOVE books. I have a chapter in my book about how the @mcallenlibrary was my home away from home in high school.
If you’d like to support, consider buying the book…in either English or Spanish. Here’s the dedication to the book in both Spanish and English. ❤️🥹
Back in 2019, I released a book called #MusicToMyYears with @atriabooks from @simonandschuster. When it came out, I couldn’t promote it to save my life. Everyone was getting fired by Trump and putting out books. I wasn’t an A-list celebrity, etc.
It took me years to write it. Despite all that…with the support I got from people throughout the years, I am happy to announce that today my book is out on PAPERBACK!
I wasn’t expecting it. I found out about it back in November. I am so excited about it because I LOVE books. I have a chapter in my book about how the @mcallenlibrary was my home away from home in high school.
If you’d like to support, consider buying the book…in either English or Spanish. Here’s the dedication to the book in both Spanish and English. ❤️🥹
Happy Birthday Dolores! Today she turns 94 years old! I’ve only known you for a short decade but you’ve taught me so much. You’ve taught me that despite the odds being against you and Cesar Chavez, you could make progress for the farm workers. You’ve taught me that a life of service and action based on grassroots is something that can still be effective in a world of internet.
Today I am doing an IG Live with Dolores at noon PST to say Happy Birthday to her. Please join me in spending a little bit of time with the birthday girl. And also, please consider becoming a monthly donor to @doloreshuertafd. Any amount helps continue the work of Dolores. And don’t get it twisted, she devotes her life to community but she can still dance and sip on a tequila better than I ever could. I love our friendship. ❤️ feliz cumpleaños Dolores.
Money 🤑 money 💸 mon-ay!
See @cristela9 at #MilwaukeeImprov this weekend (May 16-18)!!
Showtimes and tickets at Link In Bio or https://pulse.ly/1qfj7sxsys
#mke #cristelaalonzo #milwaukee #cristela9 #mkeimprov #middleclassfancy #comedy #money #comedyclub #glowup #414 #414mke #thingstodomke #mkecomedy
May the Fourth Be With You….or maybe I’m early for tomorrow: Mayo the Cinco Be Con Usted!
@cristela9 gave advice to @robertabooey1 on the #WrapUpShow: “Love your sugar until they tell you not to.”
NEXT WEEK: Doing four shows @irvineimprov for Mother’s Day weekend. Tickets available at the club’s page or my website (cristelaalonzo.com)
Also, here are some of the other dates I have coming up in the next couple of months as part of my #UpperClassy tour:
MAY 16-18: Milwaukee, WI
JUNE 6-8: Chicago, IL
JUNE 14-15: Seattle, WA
JUNE 21-23: Oxnard, CA
JUNE 28-30: San Antonio, TX
TOUR UPDATE: I’ve added some cities (whaddup Palm Springs, Fresno, Monterey, San Luis Obispo?!!) to my #UpperClassy tour as I work on the new hour that I will shoot NEXT year. All cities except Philadelphia, Houston and Washington DC are now on sale! Go to my website cristelaalonzo.com for tickets or to venue directly!
#UpperClassy is the last of the trilogy showing the evolution of where I started, where I’m going and all the lessons I’m learning along the way…like learning how to try to break the cycle of working ourselves to death and trying to focus on taking time for myself. It’s a hard lesson when you grow up on survival mode. Hope to see you on the road soon!
Also, this amazing artwork of my face was done by the talented @jessicagonzalesart that also is responsible for the mural in my #MiddleClassy @netflixisajoke special. ❤️🥹
Trying to get back into my @facebook account after it stopped recognizing my device but still says it recognizes it is frustrating. I’ve done 13 password resets, submitted my ID to prove it was me (I HATED doing that) and their own link from the email that said I could log in isn’t working. Oh @meta….
Cowboys 🏈
Cristela is finally coming back to the Pittsburgh Improv!
April 19-21 now is your chance to see her LIVE!
@cristela9
#2024 #live #comedy #pittsburgh #pgh #412
PITTSBURGH! You all have been wonderful! About to go up on stage for the last show of the night. ONE MORE SHOW TOMORROW…then Milwaukee in two weeks! ❤️
It’s Mother’s Day this weekend and I figured I’d tell you a couple things about my mom. Did anyone else have moms that did things like this to help you all get by? Lol. This weekend FOUR shows @irvineimprov -two are sold out but there are tickets for Mother’s Day. ❤️
Also, I forgot to save the story with no captions before I saved it so I’m just posting it like this. Lol.
PITTSBURGH!!!! I’m coming this weekend (April 19-21) to do FIVE shows @pittsburghimprov! I’m excited to come because my brothers are HUGE Steelers fans and they have never been to the city. Hoping to do a stadium tour while we’re there. What else is there to do in Pittsburgh??? Ticket link in bio.
JUNE SHOW ALERT! It’s a busy month for me. Different city every weekend. Hope to see you there!
June 6-8: @zaniesrosemont
June 14-15: @laughscomedyseattle
June 21-23: @levityoxnard
June 28-30: @thelolcomedyclub
I have been having so much fun with my latest hour and honestly, I’m so happy it’s resonated with so many of you too. #UpperClassy is part of my evolution where I’m learning that sometimes when you’re raised in a blue-collar family, taking care of you and living life isn’t something that is always taught but something that is truly necessary. Hope to see you on the road.
PITTSBURGH! Five shows starting tonight @pittsburghimprov! Tickets in the link.
Hello! Guess what? I shot a stand-up special for the Meta Universe!!
So excited to announce that I’m joining the second season of @SoapstoneComedy Presents as one of six comedians bringing the laughs exclusively to @MetaHorizon! RSVP @ THE LINK IN BIO because you won’t want to miss this! I’m the season finale so sign up for updates. Don’t worry. I’ll also bug you about it closer to the date. ❤️
Comedian, actress and podcaster Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) returns to Zanies June 6-8! Limited tickets are still available and will sell out, Chicagoland. Calendar link in bio!
#chicago #chicagoil #rosemont #rosemontil #zaniesrosemont #zanies #comedyclub #standup #comedy #jokes #cristelaalonzo
That’s right 🚨 @cristela9 has 5 shows coming up at Punch Line & tickets are ON SALE NOW!
Secure your spot to see Cristela in person from August 8-10 🔥😆 If you haven’t already, watch her @netflix special called “Middle Classy” 🎥 Get ready to laugh!
