The part that tickled me was the people on the left checking it out.
I hope you guys had a good Thanksgiving. I made a pre-Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday and ate with my sister and sons5and 6 of 6.
I made Beef Wellington, roasted carrots and sautéed green beans. It was so good there was some back and forth about who got the last helping. Ah, what a new exciting feeling!
On Thanksgiving my sister and I went to my neighbors house. They are the nicest people ever. We were in the family photo and everything.
I switched up to get through it with minimal emotional machinations born of my current circumstance.
I was, like my good woman here, making my own way.
You know, you can step away from how you always do things and re-order them to fit your circumstances.
Yesterday, I had to re-home Tess. I loved that dog and she loved me, but she would not stop pooping and peeing in the house. Not even after I got a doggy door. I spent thousands on trainers. The first one she bit. The second used to train wolves so he taught her some things but still couldn’t get on top of the guarding. No one but my boys and my sister could come to the house. I had a third trainer come for the home guarding issue. After an hour he left and refused to return.
On my last visit to the vet, I had to lay on my back on the floor, wrap my legs around her body and my arms around her neck while a second tech held her legs and the third gave her a shot. They then sold me tranquilizers and said she has to be sedated before any further services would be rendered.
I felt terrible re-homing her but I gave it a full year of all out effort.
It’s probably my fault. I got her 5 days after BigE went away. I think I dumped a whole lot of crazy on her and it made her crazy too.
I am waffling between relief from and grief for her.
Anyway, you have to find a way no matter what comes your way. I have a wonderful life. Tough year, no doubt, but so so many blessings.
I hope you guys are doing well and manage to find your own way through whatever’s stalking you.
Shoutout @ngakaksehat cr: iqsm
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I am a #widow working her way through the weeds of the holidays. Firsts are awful. That said, I look to manufacture moments of joy so I can press the release valve on all this pressure on my heart.
Indeed. Shoutout @mikisoldtoday
Some days problems pick you and there’s no way to see them coming.
Occasionally events conspire to write a story that is painful in the moment but if you have the right sense of humor is funny in the retelling of it. I know that if that happened to me I’d tell everybody … twice. If I had to suffer the event, ain’t no way in the world I’m not gonna get some joy out of it on the backend.
My mother used to tell me you have to look at the whole thing. In other words when something bad happens you can’t just see the problems it causes but you have to find a way to make it inure to your benefit, even if it’s just the lesson not to do it again or a good story to tell.
But when you get really proficient at #emotional management you can use other parts too.
I look back over the year and see that I have developed a What Would Eric Do-like calm in the midst of turmoil. Since he’s not here to lean on I make a point to mimic what he would do even though it feels all wrong.
And you know what I figured out? It works for me too. For instance he never felt the need to explain his decisions when dealing with people he had limited interactions with. I often explain to people why I didn’t want this service or I would second guess myself when dealing in areas about which I knew little. Like landscaping. (Don’t ask, your girl has embarked on a massive backyard project in a fit of ‘I gotta find something large to focus on’ that befell me in August.)
Now I can be all calm with stuff & they respect it. It sounds dumb, I know, but we’re all weak in our own silly little ways. The thing is you can’t live that weak without trying to smack it around every now and then.
Not sure how I got from the guy on the tree (who we all hope is okay) to my backyard but alas, here we are.
Relevant #tolerism: the path of least resistance typically leads to the place with the most persistent problems.
It would be easier to stay the me I was when he was here but that won’t bear the results I want so I seek the controlled discomfort of mimicking him.
Shoutout @woodworking_art
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It’s today. Don’t miss it.
Gorgeous baby! Shoutout @tajjxrose
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Shoutout @cutekudsrepublic
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#babies #cute babies
Me @target just like I said I would. #joytrolling #feelingonpurpose when Stevie Wonders’ Sign Sealed and Delivered came on I thought it quite apropos.
Those legs.
I am so okay with being alone in this moment. But I’m glad I liked seeing that.
I had it. A great love over a long period of time. I was with a guy that thought I was the best thing since sliced bread and I had the even greater pleasure of thinking the same thing about him.
I’m not interested in romance or getting a new dude.
But I’m out in the light enough to appreciate …
Those legs.
It’s like watching a bonfire. You like looking at it but you don’t want to touch it or have it touch you.
Shoutout @sports_fan_tv DM for further credit or removal.
I contend my mother was an #emotional genius. Rarely did she accede to an #emotion w/out determining whether acting on it would inure to her benefit.
She could #feel, then she’d #THINK and only then would she act. I wrote #MyMothersRules before Divorce Court. I thought that would be the best way to teach what she knew. Then TV called. And I got to shout it from the rooftops!
Like here.
The thing is you have to be able to hear past the insult you feel when criticized and determine if there’s any validity to it. And though I’m not immune to the emotional barbs and bullets people throw mom DID teach me not to shudder and wilt when met with criticism. I had to consider it objectively and if that criticism was true I had to actively decide to let go of how being told I was wrong made me feel so I could use the information to learn something about myself.
Of course, you can’t go around absorbing people’s criticism all Willy-Nilly. Some people are suffused with so much unhappiness they can’t carry it all, so they offload some of that on others inappropriately.
That said, even people who don’t like you and try to hurt you can be of assistance to you.
The trick is to consider the comments objectively and make a decision to accept it or dismiss it, intelligently and then do The Next Thing.
If the critique was valid The Next Thing is to put processes and procedures in place to improve. If the criticism was unwarranted The Next Thing is to pay it no mind.
It’s not easy to do but you can practice glacial. I’m not an iceberg yet, but I’m like black ice on a road. Unobtrusive yet slippery.
Anyway, out of 14 years on TV, this is one of my top five keepers. It’s me showing someone the way out of their own personal emotional prison. Whether she truly got out, I don’t know, but she heard me. That’s how better starts.
P.s. and yes I actually Re-look at it. 🧐 Terrible word choice but I was rolling and the right word couldn’t catch up with me.
Y’all have a wonderful holiday season.
#BeKind
#StayUp
#GiveGrace
It’s getting choppy out there, people. Remain vigilant but don’t be a vigilante.
#emotionalintelligence #momlife
In years past I used to do a holiday assessment letter that I would post on my blog.
You know how it goes, the year is sauntering to a close and relatives come for #thanksgiving and when they do you reminisce and review.
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I would think about all of the things I’ve been through that year and figure out what life lessons I’ve learned, give it a course name then a grade and some commentary as to why I received it.
(If I can find one I’ll post it)
Anyhow, I haven’t done one in a while so I thought I’d try but oh my, what a mistake that was. I looked back and almost imploded. Suffice it to say this is no year to be nit-picking my behavior. Never been one to brag but I feel like I held it down simply because I stayed up and going.
Anyway, I was thinking about it and decided to have some fun with it. These are my three favorite Chronicling My Own Stupid Videos.
Have some fun with yours.
I was wrong. My bad. Oops: tickets to freedom all!
Relevant #Tolerism: The Up Rule
If you mess up.
Fess up.
Back up
And Clean Up.
Happy Wednesday
#emotionalintelligence
Current cultural commentary custom has people arguing about who is to blame, who is more to blame or who got what they deserved. But as you know, two things can be true at once. Deeper still a whole lot of people can be wrong at once. History is littered with group stupid. Your discomfort is not a license to act a fool. Even if someone did cut you off on the road what does a big display get you? I will utter (jackass) under my breath but that’s about it. Of course I am the wrong size to do anything else but that. The point is hopping out the car and tearing up something is just a temper tantrum. Likewise one ought not be launching projectiles at cars either. (Which appears to be what she did) Being right does not absolve you from being an adult. Importantly others behaving childishly is not a call to do the same. How are we going to go around and let other people dictate how we conduct business? We all err. Every single one of us. But I always figure the more #grace we give, the more get get back. It has a cumulative cultural effect. PS I put that heart sticker there because I did not realize I bent over that much and I was too lazy to do it again. #emotionalintelligence #rage Shoutout @peoplegettingmad and @girlsofthegram
#joytrolling Shoutout @fails 🎥:TikTok/failarmy
Two quotes struck me this week. One is from #TheBear (TV show) and another from my friend Kay.
Kay and I have known each other since we were three. I was a hot mess when I was young. She was (and is) glacial.
Picture this: It’s 1976 and my dad bought my sister and I a stick shift. Kay and I were in said automobile when, as I attempted to merge on to the freeway, I panicked and started yelling, ´I can’t do it!’ Kay couldn’t take the wheel b/c it was a stick. So as calmly as you please she told me to pull over, then she talked me down until I could continue. (I’ll get to her quote in a minute)
The quote from The Bear (great show BTW) is from the lead guy who is a chef. Someone asked him how it felt when he got some tremendous honor and he said: “ The first ten seconds felt like sort of panic … my brain does this weird thing where it bypasses any sense of joy and immediately attaches itself to dread.” Sooo describes me.
I see all progress as an opportunity to get it wrong in a far more spectacular fashion … So annoying.😂
Anyway, back to Kay.
I have had my foot on the accelerator for over a year. Afraid if I do anything wrong everything will collapse, I have been hyper vigilant and unrelenting. I’m out here all flagrant with it. Up at 4 a.m. Dinner fixed by 5 a.m. (because I think better in morning and I’m trying to get it right.)Then I clean … write … grocery shop, handle business and am salivating for 9 a.m. so I can start making any calls I’ve been dreading. I’m worn out by noon.
So Kay, in response to some communication of mine texted me the following:
« OK, hear me … 50 years later … pull over. I am with you, behind you and always thinking about you. »
I’m going to do as instructed. I’m pulling over. I’m gonna have fun today. I don’t know how but I am. I’m gonna LEAN into it. Like here. Manufacturing joy w/ nonsense.
Every once in a while we all have to pause and reflect. Are you doing The Thing or is that Thing now doing you?
I wish you #peace and #joy.
At peace with my old behind while enjoying new things.
You know, since I became a lawyer all I wanted to do was be a teacher. Once I became a judge I sent letters to every principal in my district and offered my services. I created a live action class that covered the parts of the civic proficiency test for the 4th 9th and 12th grades.
Eventually I did a life course for girls that were struggling in middle school. I found that a big part of my job was to offer hugs and ask how they’re doing. Taught a couple of law course at a women’s college too.
There is, in fact more than one way to get things done. Watch the periphery so you can see the edges of opportunity you thought you missed and reach them from another direction.
Anyway, it’s a little dark in my head today. Though my stress level is way down since I re-homed Tess, my lonely quotient shot way up.
I’m also over the place this morning. I can usually write myself into feeling better or at least into finding a game plan to get there, but today I got
Zippo
Zilch
Nothin’
A goose egg.
Hopefully the lights come on some time today and I can move in that direction.
Shoutout @eggs.tyrone Audio: “Innerprize rap” by G Perico @bgperico
Video: everthrillgaming on TT
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#Joytrolling: the act of consciously inserting some beauty or fun in your day.
Problems are some loud individuals. They never sit back and wait till you’re steady. They tend to show up in groups and just start hollering.
If you’re not careful, the cacophony of crappy circumstances can drown out the joyful noises of the better parts of life.
They’re still there, but you can’t hear them because, if you’re anything like me, I chew on troubles with my mouth open. It’s both undignified and loud.
Not as much now as I used to though, but anxious people, like me, tend to track dark because my head tells me even this minor thing can turn into a major one so I have to consider all 8,000 possible ridiculous, dire and tremendously unlikely outcomes.
I’m better, but I ain’t cured. That’s why I have to purposely prime my feed with the things I need to nudge me off #Worry Way, Anxious Alley, and Dark-Seeker Drive. The largest roads in the Town of Toler, County of Candace, Land of Lynn.
#Anxiety: you are a lie. A false prophet of doom. A thief who tries to walk away with the best parts my day.
I rebuke you.
Not only that, I fight back. Like with @maceahwindu, here.
#emotionalintellinge
As you can see I’m reveling in the old VCRs my son is digitizing.
God love them both. Tough week at Casa Toler. They kept me together.
Lost every single drop of equilibrium I had. Desiccated, I fell apart.
Currently quenching, though. I should be reconstituted soon.
Relevant #Tolerism: there is nothing wrong with a donkey braying in the wind. You should worry, though, if you start braying back … cause one of you is off task.
And, yet, again you get just the one guess who that is.
I didn’t answer the phone for two days. Your girl was in the weeds making noise.
I pushed through a surfiet b.s. this year.
Though I have been open about my feelings I can’t share the whole horror of the why.
That I’m still fighting… on a lot of levels.
But that’s the thing. I’m up and punching.
A whole lot went awfully wrong in a very short period of time. Just waves of it.
But I stayed in the game.
The holidays have gotten me a bit weepy.
Ahhhhh … I felt good when I started this. My bad. This was supposed to be inspirational.
#StayUp. I’ll try too.
Shoutout @pitcherclips @baseballquotes1_
It’s weird being antiquated and reclusive in this current environment while plying a trade that demands copious amounts of exposure. Duchess used to tell me all of the time, do the uncomfortable thing. That way it’s harder to default to your weaknesses. Our weak does not want to work nor does it desire struggle. It’s looking to sit us down and keep us stuck in the muck we’ve already made. Don’t fall for it, even when it’s you who’s telling you the wrong thing. My brain is the biggest liar west of the Mississippi. Told me a story just this morning about my computer crashing. I was pulling into panic just as I saw the cord pulled out of the wall just enough to stop the juice. #emotionalintelligence
You know what weirds me out about current culture? A whole lot! But specifically today’s issue is the manichean nature of our discourse. It’s all so very stark. It’s either this or that. I see people out here giving advice on everything in such a definitive voice. THIS is how you do it. Sometimes I think they believe if they are loud enough we won’t notice that they have no real knowledge beyond a couple of google searches. A platform and an opinion does not an expert make, remember that. Even when I’m telling you stuff. In my last book, Dear Sonali I started out by telling you about all of my biases (that I am aware of.) Then I ask the reader to read themselves so they can use the advice I give in the best manner for them. I was playing Duchess (my kids called my mom that) for young ladies. (Links to both books about my mom’s emotional abilities are in my bio.) When I used to get stuck, as worriers tend to do, hand wringing over a decision, petrified to get it wrong, mom would say: “The question is not which is right and which is wrong the question is what set of problems do you want to solve?” Sometimes when you are trying to decide between A and B and there is no clear choice, you have to pull it apart and lay it all out so you can see what’s really there. A provides these benefits but at this cost. B provides other benefits at that cost. A may be the best decision for you given your circumstances and your personality. While B might be better for me given my predilections and foibles. My mother used to give me answers by asking a whole lot of questions that required me to think my way through how I feel. The facts were never the problem it was how I was feeling about them that had me tied in knots nine ways from Sunday. Anyway it’s a useful process. It’s what my podcast Feeling on Purpose is gonna try to do. I know I keep saying I’m gonna do it and I’m working on it but absent my hype man and my glowing orb of a mother I’m just out here white knuckling everything. #emotionalintelligence #feeling #mood Happy Sunday. Shoutout @sachkadwahai
I’ve seen this trend before but this is, so far, the best baby expression I’ve come across.
Though the cheese thing is just a funny trend, it does illustrate a psychological truth. Sometimes you just have to interrupt the #emotional flow of a situation so you can re-direct your feelings.
While you always have the right to feel your #feelings you also have the power to decide whether or not acting on them in that moment is in your best interests.
During your next emotionally challenging event in which you feel you may go over the edge, think Cheese Slice. Pause for the cause. See what happens.
The look that baby gave, though. Said everything didn’t it?
On another note, the headwinds of the season have kicked up to gale force for me.
At this rate, I’m going to need a whole package of @velveeta to get through it.
Shoutout @bittybooboos DM for further credit or removal.
#momlife #cutebabies
He was feeling it, wasn’t he? #joytrolling on a Thursday. Shoutout @maituoguitarlujunxi
You know, I spend an unusual amount of time, wondering what my #dogs think. One has a fraught relationship with both the TV and the mirror. Other dogs startle him. Even when it is him. Happily, it appears he likes himself. He barks and wags his tail as if to say, “why won’t you come play with me?” He’s only 6 months so we got to give little man some time. Both love to play fetch. Little dude understood the concept from jump. His big sister though thinks the whole point of the game is to collect all the balls and lay on them so no one else can have them. You should see me out there explaining the purpose of a game of fetch to the dog, like she’s a person. Yesterday when I was fussing at her about that I turned to the other dog for a co-sign. That’s when I knew I needed to get out of the house. Went to @Target. Don’t laugh. Baby steps. And what do I know? Maybe the cat is having a fine time. I am sure of very little these days and at some level I wish some others would get less sure. People get full throated about things they only have a glancing Google search understanding of, start spinning yarns and wrapping up folks that aren’t wrapped too tightly themselves right up in it with them. It’s monsoon season where I live. And it appears I am having a similar atmospheric situation happening in my head. Shoutout @natalia.mlv #cats #catsofinstagram #emotionalintelligence if I took an EQ test today I’d score in single digits. I can’t leave you there so how about this: A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says: I think I’m a typo. Relevant #Tolerism: I wish you #joy. If you can’t get there … I wish you peace. If that’s not available to you … I simply ask that you try not to hurt anybody.
